Turning 40 has inspired me to stray from my usual focus on social justice and revel in reflection. In the months leading up to my birthday I didn’t feel anxiety about entering a new decade. Most days I simply feel grateful for the richness of my life. It always feels like a privilege to wake up to another day. However, on the eve of my birthday, I felt an overwhelming desire to find meaning in this milestone. Serendipitously, in my first two weeks of being 40 I found tremendous meaning in the most unexpected places. In the last couple of weeks I broke bread to celebrate this occasion with friends who’ve become my family in Colorado, my courageous partner interviewed before a panel of fire and police chiefs in order to follow his dream of becoming a fire fighter, I spent the weekend in beautiful Telluride surrounded by astonishing athletes, photographers, artists, and film makers and then continued the road trip through the Black Canyon, another shooting took place in the community where I work, this time wounding two people and killing two young men (one of whom was a friend of a cityWILD student,) I co-led a climbing course for 7th graders in Buena Vista, one my dearest friends in the world bravely underwent a bilateral mastectomy, my sister gave birth to a baby boy, I spent a weekend with my nephew, sister, brother-in-law, and my parents, and in two short weeks I will leave for a 3 week journey to Tibet. I have found so much meaning in these experiences, I struggle with where to begin.
As I grow older, the depth of what I feel intensifies. I feel an urgency to love as fully as I can so the people closest to my heart never go a moment without knowing how much they mean to me. I am more often moved to tears by the vulnerability of others and their courage to take risks, I am acutely aware of the fragility of life and what a short time we have together, I spend more time being mindful, I am more careful with the earth, I am more intentional, I am more dedicated to being creative, and I am more determined to live my days with kindness, compassion, and grace. In these brief weeks I have intimately encountered the tenderness of life and time and time again, the meaning for me, is undoubtedly about connection.
As I bare witness to David’s tenacity to pursue fire fighting and the vulnerability that comes with taking this risk, I feel a widening expanse within, that repeatedly softens me. Watching films at MountainFilm that documented both the human capacity to go unimaginably beyond our limits and the critical need for all of us to show up and care about each other fills me with an outpouring of hope and inspiration. These emotions exponentially intensified on my climbing course when the students bravely stepped off the rock’s edge to rappel into uncertainty. I stood with each of them moments before they walked backwards off the rock, voice cracking, bodies shaking, resisting the urge to safely hike back down, and my eyes filled with tears by their willingness to trust themselves and the adults there to guide them. A few hours later while listening to a cityWILD student, who has left the gang life behind, talk about losing another “homeboy,” I wondered if this young person will ever know how deeply I am in awe by this measure of strength and whether I will find the words to convey my sentiment.
As cliche as it may sound, I regularly think about how I am not promised another day and this motivates me to express my feelings just in case I am not given the opportunity again. When I found out one of my longest standing and closest friends was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was reminded nothing is as important as spending time with the people I love. This also resonates with me as David will soon embark on his first fire fighting venture. Although I know he will take great care to be safe, I can’t help but think about all the things he can’t control in the midst of a wildfire.
I am writing this on the plane, flying home from meeting my nephew for the 1st time. The weight of responsibility I feel holding him in my arms, to make sure he grows up in a kind and just world is indescribable. I think the only way this will be possible is to be gentle with each other and to always remember our lives are interconnected. My sister’s transition into motherhood has deepened my connection with her. I can’t explain it, except to perhaps wonder if she has awakened an innate bond over the ability to create life. What I do know is that she is now more beautiful than ever. While hugging my mom good-bye as I returned to Denver, her eyes filled with tears and I quickly said, “don’t be sad.” But the truth is, these words were a feeble attempt to hide the inadequacy I felt to share my gratitude for our time together and for the unconditional love I feel both for and from my family.
While in Tibet I will be charged with the responsibility of teaching global citizenship to 6 high school students in the shadow of China’s occupation. This is where I expected to find meaning as I turned 40. Yet life has a way of reminding me that we don’t have to make grand gestures to find meaning, it is all around me in the connections I make with the people I love most in the world.
