One Brick at a Time....

I have been reflecting on the effects of having a strong familial foundation and a never ending safety net.  I have encountered several recent experiences which have exemplified the profound and life long impact, the presence or absence of these factors can have in shaping our lives.  I have grown up knowing, undoubtedly, that my family is always available if I need them.  If I experience heartache, financial difficulties, health problems, etc. I know I will always have a home to go to and people who will take care of me, regardless of my circumstance.  I am loved, supported, and accepted unequivocally by my family, which allows me to freely embrace who I am without feeling shame about my ever-changing self. 

Throughout my life I have done many things people describe as brave.  While in college I studied abroad in Ecuador for a semester. Since then I have travelled to many countries throughout the world, sometimes solo, despite not speaking the language.  I have moved to various states, without knowing anyone.  After being married for 5 years to my high school sweetheart, I came out as lesbian and dated women exclusively for many years.  I then, unexpectedly fell in love with a man, and once again came out as a queer woman who is now happily partnered with a straight man.  I realize these are courageous decisions; overtime I have come to recognize feeling safe, loved, and accepted affords me the confidence to be courageous.  My parents so freely offer praise and encouragement, it wasn’t until adulthood that I understood the value of their selflessness and the rarity of this kind of love and its longstanding impact.

I have been reminded how fortunate I am to have grown up feeling safe in this world. I implicitly trust I will be fine, and usually a better person with each new experience.  I do not fear the unknown, rather I seek it out, all the while, knowing I always have a place where I can return.  This is yet another one of my privileges which has come to light in my unfolding awareness.  This sense of safety also brings a willingness to be vulnerable.  

I am grateful to know the depth of ever-growing love that comes from being vulnerable and authentic.  I believe it is only when we feel self-worth and acceptance that we take the risk to love with our whole hearts. If these qualities are not woven into the fabric of our being, we can spend a lifetime searching for them, while simultaneously trying to protect themselves from being hurt.  Without feeling safe, people are afraid to reveal themselves, fearing they are inadequate and believing this inadequacy will inevitably lead to heartache.  Sadly, they do not protect themselves from being hurt.  Rather, in many cases, they eventually push people away causing the very pain they attempt to avoid and deny themselves the opportunity to know real, true, and unconditional love.  

Our lives are shaped by the foundations upon which we stand. Whether we view the world from a place of fear or embrace the wonder if offers depends so much on if our feet are planted firmly on solid ground or if we are balancing on disintegrating bricks. This awareness inspires me to find compassion for others who are paralyzed and cannot move from their crumbling foundation, patience for those who have the courage to rebuild their foundation one brick at a time, and reminds me to feel gratitude for the confidence to love wholeheartedly and to live each day fully.  I am hopeful I pass on the gift of unconditional love and acceptance my parents so generously give to me so others may know such infinite beauty.

Reconsidering Definitions

When people ask me what I do for work I typically say  “I work for a small non profit that provides outdoor, experiential, education, and leadership development for middle and high school students.”  People often respond by asking me if I “work with “troubled youth?”  This question perplexes me.  I wonder what I say to give others the impression I work with troubled youth.  In fact, I work with tremendously talented, thoughtful, compassionate, and kind young people, who  inspire me daily.  The population of teens with whom I work are usually described as “at-risk youth.” However, I actively reject this term.  I believe the term, “at-risk youth” has become a euphemism for urban youth, conjuring up images of youth of color who listen to rap music, where baggy clothes ,and flash gang colors. A tired, overused stereotype many white people rely upon to perpetuate the racist concept that all youth of color are monochromatic, “troubled,” “at-risk,” and  dangerous.  Additionally, much like I believe describing a person who has a mental illness, as a mentally ill person, defines them by the singular characteristic of mental illness; I believe describing a young person as an “at-risk” youth does the same.  When youth are described as “at risk” it implies that young people are the problem instead of recognizing the institutional deficits that consistently fail young people, particularly marginalized youth....youth of color, LGBTQ youth, poor youth, and immigrant youth.  

I don’t believe this was the original intent of the term “at-risk,” however I think the evolution of this phrase has resulted in a watered-down version of yet another way to stereotype youth of color.  It also redirects our attention from the systemic barriers that prevent youth from flourishing to the “troubled youth” themselves.  By focusing attention on the problems of youth, people with privilege are able to avoid taking responsibility for the many ways our country fails young people of color and scapegoat the “at risk” youth as the problem.  

The students with whom I work aspire to be pediatric surgeons, take college classes, get straight A’s, stay clean and sober, read books, write poetry, go on trips to the backcountry for up to a month at a time, participate in service learning, earn scholarships, graduate from college, work as raft guides, go snow boarding, rock climbing, and mountain biking, mentor younger students, do their homework, take responsibility for their actions, care about each other, engage in activism, work towards change, work to support their families, speak more than one language, play sports,  play instruments, watch the news, and are community leaders.  These students accomplish these things while staying up late to care for younger siblings as their parents work two jobs, while coping with the loss of a parent to a drug overdose, while living in fear that immigration will raid their homes,  while watching a parent be deported, while knowing they may never go to college, be able to work, or travel, because they don’t have proper documentation, while witnessing shootings on their front lawns, while seeing their cousins fall prey to gangs, while encountering racism, while attending schools with minimal resources, while living in neighborhoods without grocery stores, while getting jumped and robbed at the light rail station, and while waking up every morning surrounded by the smell of the dog food and rendering plants polluting the air.  

I propose these young people are in fact not “at risk youth,” but rather, they are “exceptional youth,” who are succeeding in spite of the fact they are perceived as trouble youth, in spite of the fact they do not have access to the many resources flooding privileged communities, in spite of the fact the oppressive system within which they are living is designed for their failure.  Perhaps it is time to reconsider how young people are defined.